When you stand in front of God, a pastor, your friends and family and say, “for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part”. You are promising your partner unwavering commitment. You are saying I will not leave you; I will not discard you; I will not disown you no matter what. That is what the vows mean. No matter what means even if you lose your job, even if you become paralysed, even if we can’t have children, even if you get on my last nerve, even if you gain weight, even if you gamble our money away, even if you become addicted to drugs, even if you cheat on me. I will stick by you. For better or for worse, I am here to stay.
If you are committing to a beautiful soul and you yourself are a beautiful soul as well, then your marriage stands a strong chance of not only surviving but thriving. But if you make those vows to a tyrant, a person who is entitled, co-dependent, vindictive, prideful, selfish, disrespectful and unreasonable. Or if you are those things yourself. Then those vows are going to be tested to the limit of limits. In such a case, only growth and healing on one or both sides will cause the commitment to remain solid.
The Hardened Heart
Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning”. Matt. 19:8
In my previous article, I explained lightly the actions and attitudes that will help you and your partner to resolve conflict. Conflict is a thing that can be ongoing. It can be drawn out for years if the couple doesn’t actually resolve it. Everything that has a beginning must have an end. If a conflict has arisen between you and your partner, both of you must resolve it and get verbal or even written confirmation that it is resolved. Unresolved conflict breeds resentment and resentment when fully grown becomes a monster known as contempt.
When conflict is swept under the rug instead of resolved, it goes unforgiven without the couple even noticing. A couple can continue to carry out their daily spousal duties, even have sex amid unresolved conflict. But the longer the conflict goes unresolved the more the resentment builds. As new offences are added to old offences in rapid succession, the intimacy a couple shares will dry up. They will wonder “How did we get here?” “We used to love each other, now we can’t stand each other”.
Couples often don’t know how to resolve conflict. They may say I’m sorry and not fully understand what they are apologizing for or believe that should be enough to heal the hurt. Apologies are hard to come by especially if the offender feels as if they did nothing wrong. Apologies come even harder when the offender is also offended and feels as if they deserve an apology too. Pride is the cement that hardens the heart. There can be a wife who is upset with her husband because he forgot to take out the trash on his way out to work. When he comes home and attempts to be affectionate, she gives him the cold shoulder. This results in him feeling rejected, so he decides to be less intentional about spending quality time. She now feels as if he doesn’t care about her emotional needs, so she decides to "lock shop" on him. And round and round we go until an affair happens and divorce is now brought to the table.
Contempt
Having been married and now divorced I know all too well how couples get to the point of the hardened heart. I need a full book to really break down the fine details. So how do we keep our hearts soft? We need to resolve conflict quickly. Even if the offence reoccurs repeatedly, resolve the conflict again and again. To resolve conflict both people must humble themselves, both people need to take responsibility for their actions and reactions that have hurt the relationship and yield to the other person by communicating instead of arguing. This needs to happen both ways.
If the apologies almost always flow in one direction this too can build resentment in the heart of the person who feels as if they are always apologizing because they are always wrong.
They may start to feel inadequate and unconsidered. This breeds contempt, when contempt infiltrates the heart, it influences every word, and every action a couple extends to each other whether good or bad.
Once contempt takes hold every slight offence is amplified by the perception of ill intentions because each person is aware of the unforgiveness that exists in the other person's heart.
Tension builds and now the offender feels as if they dare not make another mistake or else they will be adding more fuel to the contemptuous fire within their partner.
The feeling of dread can become overwhelming, it can drive the best among us to behave outside of our character and cause even more damage. Contempt tends to breed more conflict rather than help resolve it. Because any action that is seasoned with contempt is naturally offensive to the receiver. If you want your commitment to be unwavering. You must avoid resentment and contempt at all costs. You and your partner must master the art of conflict resolution.
Catch the Vision
When you and your partner are in the pit of relational hell, you may look down the road and see nothing but darkness. With no light peaking out at you from the end of the tunnel, you may start to wonder, “Is this what I will have to deal with for the rest of my life?”. This thought is hyper-emphasised by the fact that you know you cannot change a person. So now you feel stuck with a person with whom you feel you cannot coexist long-term. This is a tough place to be. However, it is fixable. You must develop and maintain a vision of a happy relationship between you and your partner. If you are too focused on reality, your logic may block your vision. But remember, Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13:7 “love always hopes”. If you love your partner and they love you, hope of a better future should season your thoughts and conversation. That hope alone will go a long way in helping to lift the darkness and dread.
The very reason I started with unconditional love as the most important ingredient for a strong relational foundation is that we cannot change people. We need to love people as they are now.
Many of us make the mistake of loving people’s potential. When the potential takes a while to come to reality, we blame our frustration on the other person for not being who we hoped they would have been.
But a person does not owe us their change or growth. We may benefit but it is not our entitlement.
When you and your partner are in relational hell more than likely you both are blaming each other for the problems. If you have the hope that things will get better someday, you now need to start taking the necessary steps.
From Hell to Heaven
In this section, I’ll be giving you the steps you need to take to restore your relationship to a happy place.
1. Hope
As I said earlier you need to hope for a better relational future with your partner. If all that fills your mind is dread, there will be no fuel or motivation for the work that is necessary to bring your relationship back from Hell. The repair work begins with hope.
2. Take Responsibility
The main reason you and your partner are in relational hell is the blame game. We tend to see ourselves through rose-coloured glasses and see everyone else as the problem. That is the problem. You are just as much human as everyone else. You aren’t better than any other person. This step is crucial because now instead of blaming your partner you are looking at yourself and where you may have fallen short. We can’t change another person, but we can change ourselves. Turn your focus inward and start working on your negative traits, place your focus on your faults.
3. Love Unconditionally
Up to this point, you may have been loving your partner on the condition that they do what you want them to do or be who you want them to be. They have possibly sensed that and have been very uncomfortable in the relationship as a result. As you do step 2 you will need to detach from your entitlements and do the loving actions regardless of whether they will be reciprocated or appreciated. In relational hell, your partner will perceive your efforts as a ploy to manipulate them and so may not be receptive to your kindness. If you react negatively to their lack of appreciation this will confirm in their minds that you are seeking to manipulate them. Your motive is selfish and not selfless. Trust the process and keep the love flowing in their direction consistently.
4. Be Patient
During this season your emotional needs are most likely not being met. So, it is increasingly difficult to keep giving out of your next-to-empty pot. If your partner has any conscience your consistent unconditional love will start to break down their walls. They will start to warm up to you once more. Your pride and your thirst may rise within you from time to time and make you want to quit. But be patient and trust the process. We are made in the Image and likeness of God. If your partner loves you the way God loves you, their heart will soften but it may take time. Depending on how broken and jaded your partner is, the climb from Hell to Heaven may take years. I know this is intimidating but I believe in what I’m saying here. This is the will of God. He desires that we grow and become more like Christ and there is simply no other way.
These steps are not gender specific. I find that many people especially Christians believe it is the man’s responsibility to take the lead in repairing his relationship. However, this mindset absolves women of their responsibility to be Christian first and everything else after. Gender roles are often a huge block to relationship repair. The entitlement that either gender feels regarding treatment they are supposed to receive based on their position (husband or wife), often stops them from softening up because they rarely get the treatment they are entitled to based on their gender. Now putting the onus on men gives women a license to be manipulative, it gives women power and feeds their pride. Making the repair process long and hard. The faster both genders follow steps 1-4 the faster the hope becomes reality.
Closing Remarks
In Malachi 2:16 God says He hates divorce. Having explored and reflected upon the 5 relational foundation ingredients I believe I have come to a full understanding of WHY He hates divorce. It is because marriage is the one relationship that puts our salvation to the test. God uses marriage to sanctify us, He uses marriage to forge within us noble hearts and create people that look just like him; that love just like Him. When we quit because of hardship we cut short the sanctification process. During your relational hell, the loudest voices in your head are telling you to leave. They are telling you that there is better out there for you. Don’t listen, it is the enemy seeking to cut your sanctification. It is the enemy seeking to keep you selfish and prideful. Relational Heaven is on the other side of your unwavering commitment, trust me. If you would like to see me speak on this topic click on the video below.
I hope this article was helpful and enlightening. In my next article, I’ll be talking about Jesus and how He fits into your relational foundation equation. This is THE WORST RELATIONSHIP ADVICE EVER. You definitely should not take what I say to heart unless it makes sense to you in some weird way.
Blessings to you and your family.
Darren O. Salmon
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