Are you in a marriage that is dying a slow death? Communication has stopped, sex has dried up, you go to bed at separate times, you lead separate lives. You have been trying to rekindle with dates and trips but those don’t seem to work. May I propose you have an intimacy issue?
In this article I’ll be getting a bit vulnerable with you. I’ll share how I concluded that intimacy is foundational. I didn’t realize intimacy was so important until I realized my previous relationship was totally devoid of it. I came to that realization because the misery of the relationship drove me to search for answers.
I figured it out while doing a psychology course at the Academy of Modern Applied Psychology (Achology) in October 2020. But by the time I figured it out, it was already too late. I had already committed the cardinal sin. I had just started to crack the code when I had to confess to my wife that I was having an affair. So, now I’m divorced.
Now what kills me is that my wife had a small desire to keep us together, but I simply didn’t have the patience to put in the work I knew would be necessary to totally revolutionize our relationship. I also saw her as stubborn, superior and unwilling to hear me. So, I was the one to pull the plug. It was I who threw in the towel.
Into Me See
I once heard a sermon taught by Bishop T.D. Jakes where he broke down the word intimacy and described it as “into me see”. Pretty much saying that the process of building intimacy begins with an invitation extended by both people to the other person to see into our hearts and minds. To see and feel our life experiences, the things that have had a profound impact on who we are now.
To see into a person is not something you do with your eyes and a flashlight unless you are a surgeon. Rather it’s something you do with your ears. Yes, you see by listening. Listening is different and more intentional than hearing. Hearing is something we can do by default because our ears happen to work. Listening is done intentionally and is influenced by motive.
When seeking to lay the foundation of intimacy in your relationship only one motive for listening is allowed, the motive to understand. The motive to respond, argue, defend, to build a case or criticise are all influenced by pride and will rob your relationship of intimacy. Building intimacy is a delicate process as you are interacting with the softest most sensitive aspects of your partner's being. If a person is willing to open up to you and share the aspects of their past and present that they feel the most ashamed about or intimidated by. The worst thing you can do is add to their pain by being judgmental.
They will become closed off. In relationships where the walls have been erected by the man or the woman, frustration soon follows. Especially on the side of the person who really wants to talk things through. But to talk things through requires the creation of a specific environment in the relationship. I call it a Zone of Zero Judgement.
The Zone of Zero Judgment
Love is simply to give for the other person's benefit. Yes, it is that simple. However, relationship management is quite complex. This is because each of us comes with our fair share of hang-ups, scars, wounds and prejudices that are influenced by our deepest beliefs. These aspects of ourselves are sacred to us and must not be trampled on. The healing of our wounds, smoothing of our scars and the relaxing of our hang-ups are only achievable by us feeling understood and accepted. If the prejudice of our partner influences their response to the sharing of our insides, we may want to close up because closed is safer than open.
In my previous relationship during a premarital counselling session my fiancé opened up about her past and I could not hear it.
My verbal response was not judgemental in my opinion. However, my facial expressions and body language possibly sent the signal that I was uncomfortable.
What our counsellor failed to do before my fiancé started to share is create a zone of zero judgment.
To interact without judgement is not something that comes naturally to us as humans especially if you had a religious upbringing. Right vs wrong is a fundamental mode of thinking for most of us. So, to create a no judgement zone all people within the zone must detach from previous prejudices. In doing so they may give what the famous psychologist Carl Rogers describes as unconditional positive regard.
Unconditional Positive Regard
To give unconditional positive regard is to acknowledge and believe that the person speaking to you is inherently good. No matter how dark their past or present sounds to you, you must respond in a positive and non-judgemental manner. If you want them to see you as warm, and approachable and if you want them to continue opening to you. They must see you as safe. If everyone else around them is misunderstanding and criticising them, but you embrace them, flaws and all. They will come back to you repeatedly. And you want that in your relationship.
Your opinion of your partner is very important to him/her. Every other opinion can be dismissed but yours will influence how they walk through each day. Yours will either help them step out with their heads held high or have them walking with their tales between their legs. Being in a romantic relationship puts you in the most profound position in the other person’s life. No one else should make them feel emotionally safer. That’s the primary mode through which affairs begin.
My ex-wife often said that she didn’t feel safe. Until I did that psychology course I was always confused by the statement, and she could never explain it. I used to work out religiously so that I could defend her if we were ever attacked. I gave her my new car to drive in exchange for her old car because it didn’t come with airbags and had mechanical issues. We lived in a gated community. Yet her sentiment was that with me she did not feel safe.
I traced the issue all the way back to when she tried to open up to me about her past. I was too uncomfortable to hear it, understand it and extend her unconditional positive regard and warmth despite it. This is what she needed to blossom like the flower she is. In response to my closed-mindedness, she was also closed-minded, guarded, and unsubmissive. Our relationship became a war zone and then a zone of zero communication instead of a zone of zero judgment.
When I realized what the issue was, I invited her to tell me in detail about her past.
For about 3 hours she opened up to me, and I responded with warmth and acceptance. It worked!
She started to feel better in the relationship and started to warm up to me.
However, because we weren’t doing the psychology course together, she didn’t come to the same understanding that I did. While she did start opening up to me about herself, she did not return the unconditional positive regard I gave her. She continued to judge and criticize me. I believed she would never understand me because she would never read what I read or have a conversation with me about relationship management and psychology.
I know I probably should have been more patient. But have you ever been patiently waiting for a duck to turn into a swan? Seems ridiculous, doesn’t it? That’s how ridiculous it seems when you are in a relationship with a person who refuses to listen to you because their prejudices are just too strong.
Intimacy helps with conflict resolution
Building intimacy into your relationship from early sets you up for getting over misunderstandings in the future much easier and allows you and your partner to give each other the benefit of the doubt. Without intimacy, you are prone to develop a habit of believing the worst about your partner. You will believe they have ill intentions toward you, you will see them as an enemy instead of a friend. No matter how hard they try to wipe that perception of themselves from your mind. All their positive actions will be interpreted through your jaded lenses and be perceived as a ploy to soften you up so that they can harm you. That could very well be the case, but what if it isn’t? What if your partner is genuinely trying to build something beautiful with you. How you interpret their actions will influence how you respond, and how you respond could be sabotaging the relationship.
A relationship built without intimacy as part of the foundation is going to experience a negative snowballing effect of offences not only piling up but also influencing the negative thoughts about our partner and the fear that things will never get better.
Constant negative thoughts about your partner will influence your language toward your partner. It will be filled with criticism, cynicism, fear, doubt and harshness. Without an understanding of the role intimacy plays, your partner will most likely respond in a similar manner. It will result in hurt-for-hurt battles, causing in rapid succession the addition of new offences to previous offences.
This is not love. Love does not dishonour others, love keeps no records of wrongs, love is not easily angered, love always hopes, always trusts and always protects. Without intimacy expressing unconditional love as described in 1st Corinthians 13 is made 10 times harder than it already is. Without unconditional positive regard, it's nearly impossible to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Without giving the benefit of the doubt the alternative is to walk through your relationship always in defence mode, always questioning their motives.
The hurt and pain will become constant in the relationship. Sex will dry up, date nights will become dull sessions of 2 strangers sitting across the table from each other just eating. Baecations will feel like a waste of time and money. Couples therapy will seem pointless unless the ideas of unconditional positive regard and the zone of zero judgment can be established and used as the framework upon which all conversations between you and your partner are built.
Closing Remarks
Intimacy is so crucial, and I didn’t discover how important it was or even what it was until it was too late. Now I am super passionate about it and will forever write and speak about it being a foundational ingredient in producing a happy and healthy relationship.
If in the early stages of your next relationship, you are finding it difficult to lay that foundation of intimacy, through deep, thoughtful, reflective and non-judgmental conversations. I recommend you not go any further with that person. Because without intimacy conflict resolution becomes an impossible jigsaw puzzle. If you are struggling with conflict resolution in your relationship, give your partner the freedom to express themselves and only respond affirmatively, even if internally you feel offended. Seek to see things from their perspective. Seek to understand before you seek to be understood and see if that won’t help. Discuss intimacy with your partner, and inquire about how close they feel to you. To see me discuss this topic on my podcast click the following video:
In the next article I’ll be discussing Friendship as an important ingredient in the foundation of a healthy relationship. This is THE WORST RELATIONSHIP ADVICE EVER. You definitely should not take what I say to heart, unless it makes sense to you in some weird way.
Blessings to you and your family.
Darren O. Salmon
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