Love
This 4-letter word is hands down the most powerful word in the English language. Its reach is as vast as the ocean. Its definition changes from person to person like the skin of a chameleon. Whether it is received or not determines your outlook on life’s horizon. It is the most important aspect of our world’s most impactful religions. Yet, a true understanding of love is quite elusive. Because we are all left to ourselves to define it for ourselves. We try to make sense of it by combining all the deep, correct sounding and complex definitions that we hear throughout our lifetime. But is love complex? Or is it simple? Probably what complicates it are the additional things we add to it as if we are trying to build a mega Zord. Or trying to ensure we are on the same page as everyone else.
Love at its core is selflessness. “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” John 15:13. The selfless nature of love, is totally counter intuitive to the human nature.
This is why Christianity is built on the selflessness of God toward his children and His children toward one another. There are no different types of love. The love you show your sister is the same love you show your mother.
The love you show your co-worker is the same love you show your spouse. The only difference is the mode of expression.
Now, I know this sounds crazy to you, because possibly, if not entirely, your definition of love has an emotional basis.
But may I propose that the emotions that we attach to the acts of love are an effect and not a cause? Every action that we do for the benefit of other people whether intentionally or not is an act of love. Unless we pay keen attention to the actions and the effects they are having on our emotions and the emotions of others. We will be quick to draw the conclusion that the emotion which is more apparent came first. But really it was the subtle action.
Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 defines love for us. He said “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…”.
This right here my dear reader is the blueprint. I recommend you follow it as you seek to develop your ability to love unconditionally. Every unloving action or thought you have ever done, can be traced back to a digression of at least 1 of the descriptions Paul gave in this scripture. Interestingly not one of the statements made by Paul mentioned warm fuzzy feelings. Love is either the presence of a positive action or the absence of a negative one. The feelings of endearment we call love usually flow from loving actions.
Positively impactful actions inspire endearing emotions. In the same way negatively impactful actions, may evoke dark emotions and we call that hate. I have heard people say they don’t like someone even though they have never interacted with them. It’s most likely because that person did something that was subtly offensive, like neglecting to say good morning upon entering a room of people. That subtle action has now won the person an enemy or two. Love is an action not a feeling and so is hate.
So, while you most likely wouldn’t have sex with your sister. Giving your sister a gift is just as loving as having sex with your spouse. Helping your classmate with an assignment is just as loving as baking your son a cake. Love is the selfless action of giving for the other persons benefit. It is not measured by the intensity of our emotions, but rather, how big or painful our sacrifice.
Unconditional Love
In my previous article I mentioned this as one of the foundational ingredients of a healthy relationship. I came to this understanding after analysing the failure of my most previous relationship, which had the potential to become beautiful we just could not get on the same page with regards to love and respect.
Unconditional love is the love God has for us and the love a mother has for her child. Now, if what I said about love above is true. Then, unconditional love is the love we ought to have for each other especially in a marital relationship. However, to consistently love a person unconditionally seems to most of us to be impossible. Because at our core we are selfish and prideful. Those 2 traits are at the very basis of sin. We are sinful beings according to the teachings of the Bible. Added to that, is the fact that we cannot read minds. So, we cannot tell what another person’s true intentions toward us are.
This life has trained most of us to live on the defensive and avoid pain as much as possible. So, to love someone unconditionally seems insane.
It’s clearly a set up. It positions us to experience unimaginable emotional pain and betrayal.
Most people who don’t appreciate the purpose of unconditional love will say it is naïve and sets one up to be a doormat to be walked all over. This is absolutely true! Therefore, it is absolutely necessary that both people in a relationship be on the same page regarding unconditional love. Both giving and receiving simultaneously. This is how it would be from the jump in a perfect world filled with perfect people but unfortunately that isn’t our reality.
Unless both people started the relationship with this understanding. They are more than likely going to have to figure it out. The process may take years of undoing their previous notions of love. However, when the transactional love makes the relationship feel more like work than like peace. Maybe then the two may just choose to end the relationship or drop the expectations, ultimatums, trades and tit for tatting and finally chose to love ‘in spite of…’ instead of ‘because of…’
It will be painful and will take intentionality and practice. But when unconditional love becomes like second nature to both in a relationship it produces a safety like no other. Unconditional love is not devoid of negative emotions. It’s despite negative emotions. Unconditional love is not devoid of conflict, it is despite conflict. Unconditional love is not devoid of betrayal, it is despite betrayal. Its “I love you still because I know you are better than that and I know your moment of weakness doesn’t define the entirety of who you are. I refuse to give you over to darkness even though you have hurt me deeply. I will still love you.”
In a relationship where you love someone unconditionally you may need to make a statement like that at some point. Or even hear a statement like that. If you cannot fathom forgiving even the most egregious of offences, then you cannot love unconditionally. If you cannot love unconditionally, you best find a perfect person to be with, and you best be a perfect person as well. One who will never need forgiveness.
“Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet.” John 13:14
Perfectly Imperfect
For those of you who know me since college days. You know I’m a poet. One of my favourite poems that I have written is ‘Perfectly Imperfect’. It’s a poem about how our imperfectness as humans is designed to keep us reliant on the Holy Spirit. It is the Holy Spirit that confers holiness onto us. Without Him, our flesh will inadvertently rule our behaviour.
So, while I understand why we expect perfection from our Christian loved ones. Just know, that expectation is unreasonable and those of us who have high expectations of people on the basis that they are Christians are setting ourselves up for disappointment. By right we should be able to have high expectations, but unfortunately the Holy Spirit doesn’t strip us of all humanness. We are still very fallible so long as we exist in this flesh here on earth. Not one of us is above falling to the depths of sin. If you think yourself holier than thou beware lest you fall. For pride often comes before a fall and pride in and of itself is sin. There is no perfection outside of constant contact with the Holy Spirit and EVEN THEN, we may still offend. Because a positive action with positive intentions can be received and interpreted in a negative way and STILL cause offence.
Accepting that your partner is imperfect puts you in a better place mentally to love them unconditionally. Accepting that you are not perfect and will need grace puts you in a better place mentally to extend grace upon even the most egregious offences. Therefore, unconditional love is foundational to a healthy, happy long-lasting relationship. It is hurt and accumulated offences that chip away at the strength of a relationship. The faster we get over an offense is the better a chance our relationship stands for survival.
Learn to Dance
Every one of us have wounds, scars, hang ups and triggers. A person coming into relationship with us, that did not grow with us, most likely has no clue what will have a profound positive or negative impact on us. When you enter a new relationship, it is like stepping on to a dance floor. You know bachata and your partner knows waltz. Without coming to an agreement of which dance rules you are going to move by you are bound to step on each other’s toes. Without grace and patience one or both of you will leave the dance floor fuming that your partner doesn’t know how to dance.
Be ok with having to teach your partner your dance moves. I know it’s more romantic when they just know. But God put you with this person to teach you grace and patience. God would rather you implement His principles to develop a beautiful relationship, than just give you one gift wrapped. God’s main prerogative is to make us holy, not happy. Happiness is your responsibility. The more you grasp this truth the happier you will be and the better you will be for your relationship. As for God he is most interested in your holiness. So, he is very likely to give you a partner you will need to love unconditionally in order to stay long term.
However, unconditional love needs to go both ways. If not the possibility of one partner abusing the other is very high. Abuse comes in different shapes and sizes, that’s a whole nother article. But I speak from experience. Even the sweetest of people can become manipulative in a relationship just because they know they can get away with it.
Closing Remarks
Thank you for reading my article I hope it blessed you, challenged you, and caused you to consider your definition and understanding of love. Love is painful and it’s scary because we have no control over whether the sacrifice will be reciprocated. But when two people with the same intention put in the work and get to that common understanding and expression of unconditional love toward each other. They form a bond that can only be broken by death. If you would like to hear me speak on this topic click the following link to watch the podcast.
In my next article, I’ll be going deeper into unconditional love. This is THE WORST RELATIONSHIP ADVICE EVER. You definitely should not take what I say to heart unless it makes sense to you in some weird way.
Blessings to you and your family.
Darren O. Salmon
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