Hey, look at you, clicking on my article title to read the rubbish I have written. The title must have intrigued you. Nuh true? You must have been curious to see the foolishness I am putting out into the world.
Probably you are thinking to yourself, “This guy is here to make this already frustrating life even more frustrating, by putting out advice that will only make relationships harder to sustain. How dare he? I can’t believe PAJE Magazine would even publish this crap!...” Is that what you are thinking? I hope not because the title is intended to be an oxymoron. I am an oxymoronic kind of guy myself and I’m here just to share my opinion.
Based in my understanding of God and what I have personally experienced in my 32 years of life. So welcome I hope this article will be enlightening to you in some weird way.
People Are Diverse
Have you ever seen on social media those people who make very broad sweeping statements about men and women? Like all men this and all women that.
They speak with conviction and confidence as if what they are saying is true for all people who belong to the particular group to whom they are referring.
Then we may grab that awe inspiring knowledge and bring it to our relationship. Because the impressive relationship guru person said it with much conviction and confidence. They sound so correct, so they must be correct…. Right?
For some of you this may work. But I know there is a lot of relationship advice out there that has just not worked for many people. So, one of my aims here dear reader is to not use generalizations. Because there is no one relationship advice article, book, video or podcast that can give you the perfect advice to fix your relationship to perfection. Why? Because we humans are diverse. No pair of us are the same and there is no one way we should be. My aim here dear reader is to get your brain ticking. It’s to cause you to consider all perspectives not just what I say or what they say is the right way.
We are all shaped and moulded by our experiences, our perceptions and personalities. So giving truly effective relationship advice for each relationship is a custom job. It surely can’t be one size fits all. So, the main reason for my article title is that I wish to not give the impression that what I’ll be writing here if applied will work in your relationship. It’s all going to be speculative. So, you should read and interpret it in that way. Because I am no relationship guru. I am speaking from my own frame of reference and attempting to explain other frames of reference that are not my own.
Who is Darren Salmon and is he Qualified?
This may be a question that you may be asking yourself. The short answer is Darren is a failure where relationships are concerned and so by the world’s standards, he is definitely qualified to be dishing out the worst advice on relationships. He has no psychology degree and has been bouncing from relationship to relationship. Since high school his longest stretch of singleness was 3 years, and he has never maintained a relationship more than 4 years. As far as formal training goes, he has a Bachelor of Science degree in Biotechnology, he has completed 2 counselling psychology courses on Udemy, he currently works as a financial advisor, and he has been a Christian serving the Lord as a spoken word poet for over 10 years. He previously wrote relationship articles for Christian Today from 2017 to 2020 where he won two major awards. After that he had his own blog for a year (lets-talk-relationships.com) which is no longer active.
Darren is an only child born to parents who have been at odds with each other his whole life and who are now divorced but they still communicate. He grew up mostly with his mother who is disabled due to a tragic car accident that happened in 2000. However, he visited his father from time to time in the United States throughout his teen years. With this track record His advice is possibly the worst ever, hence the title of the column. However, Darren is passionate about love and relationships and has done much self-reflection, pondering, talking to God and reading. He is on a mission to crack the code and gain a deep understanding of all that is necessary to make a relationship work long term.
Darren wants to have a family of his own some day and so is currently working on being the best possible version of himself that he can be. He is learning on the job just like you. He is hoping that his ever-evolving perspectives will work for him and that if you foolishly take them to heart that they will work for you too. Be for warned, the advice given here is not a one size fits all. If it makes sense, you should apply it to your life. If not, then feel free to reject it. As I said I am no relationship guru, I’m just a regular guy who has dedicated much of my brain space to figuring out human nature and why relationships are so difficult for most people.
What is a successful relationship?
From the perspective of the society we live in, a successful relationship is one that is still going, or it lasted until death ripped the 2 apart.
The quality of the relationship is often assumed to be good so long as those involved are still together.
Now speaking from my own frame of reference here, being in a lifelong relationship with someone who I can’t get along with yet both of us are too scared to leave is not a successful relationship.
I mean if the main aim is to just stay together, then yea it’s successful. But if both people involved desire more than just commitment then to me the relationship is failing.
In my opinion, a successful relationship is one within which the two people have achieved true intimacy.
So much so, that staying together is more of a joy and a privilege than it is a challenge and a burden. When we have gotten to the end of the road we should be saying “Oh God I wish we had more time” instead of “Thank God it’s over”. A relationship simply lasting is not indicative of success in my opinion.
But how do we achieve true intimacy? In this sex focused world where lust is often mistaken for love. We struggle to love because we are more focused on guarding our hearts from pain than we are on the possibility of being someone else’s medicine. In this world filled with people who are selfish and prideful. People who are hiding behind people-pleasing-masks to give the impression that they have everything under control. Is true intimacy attainable?
I say yes, it is. Many couples have attained it, I believe some couples stumbled upon it while others struggled at first but then learned about it and applied what they learned to turn the tide in their relationship. I wish the same for you. I pray what you read in my articles will be enlightening and helpful to your process of developing a successful relationship. I don’t just want your relationship to last a long time. I want it to be a daily source of joy and peace in your life. The place you come to recharge and the place your partner comes to be refreshed.
What can you expect from my Articles?
You know one of my main instructions to people for the creation of a healthy relationship is to keep expectations low. We need to recognize our own fallibility as humans and become so accepting of it that we effortlessly extend grace to the fallibility of others. However, in this section of the article I’m just giving you a table of contents of sorts. So that you know before hand what you are coming here for.
In future articles you can anticipate the absolute worst advice about topics like love, trust, respect, gender roles, expectations, entitlement, resentment, abuse, neglect, forgiveness, empathy, unfaithfulness, boundaries, accountability, responsibility, intimacy, sex, friendship, Christianity, marriage and singleness. You can anticipate me being very vulnerable. I intend to share my personal triumphs and failures. As ashamed as I am, it all has led to who I am now. My experiences have all shaped my understanding. I intend not only to share my perspectives but also why I hold them. For just like you my dear reader, my understanding is shaped by my experiences, circumstances and beliefs.
Human relationships are complex there is much to explore, much to discuss. Many things need to align within 2 people for their relationship to be healthy and remain healthy long term. My aim is to bring you into an understanding of what those things are, piecing the puzzle together bit by bit. Just as a sky scrapper needs a firm foundation upon which to stand, so does a healthy relationship. It is the quality of the foundation that will determine whether a relationship will stand the test of time and humanness.
Closing Remarks
Thank you for reading this my first article in a series of articles that will bring both of us on a journey of self-exploration and reflection. In my next article I intend to explore the foundation for building a solid relationship. This is THE WORST RELATIONSHIP ADVICE EVER. I recommend you not take what I say to heart, unless it makes sense to you in some weird way.
Blessings to you and your family.
Darren O. Salmon
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