In our current day and age, we see couples who have been together for 2, 5, 10, 15 even 30 years eventually throw in the towel. You would think the longer a couple lasts the stronger their commitment should grow, right? But really some people are more committed to the preservation of the family than they are to each other. Some are more committed to keeping up appearances than they are to each other. Some are more committed to their personal goals or preferences than they are to their person.
Unwavering commitment to your person is closely linked to unconditional love. Without it, it doesn’t matter how much intimacy you and your partner share. It doesn’t matter if you have always been best friends. It doesn’t matter if you love Jesus more than white loves rice. A weakness in commitment means it’s only a matter of time. Death won’t be the thing that separates the two, it will be a breakup or divorce.
The Trust Factor
This being the worst relationship advice ever is an oxymoron, right? Well, unwavering commitment is similar in nature. You see if we are in a relationship with someone who has many deal breakers and exit strategies, this will affect how safe we feel with them. We will feel the need to be extra careful to not go too far, or not cause any serious offence. Essentially our behaviours will be fear-based not love-based. Because trust is not being extended to us, we will also feel like we should withhold trust from our person. The intimacy and friendship-building process will be hindered by the lack of extended trust.
So, I say it is better to extend trust and risk the pain of possible betrayal than withhold trust to protect yourself from the pain. Because the guarded heart cannot love fully, and love that is not fully given cannot be fully received or reciprocated. This is why people coming out of relationships are encouraged to heal before pursuing a new relationship. To enter a relationship with trust issues gives your new partner an uphill battle and puts the new relationship at a disadvantage from the jump.
I know your emotions and the culture tells you otherwise but love really hurts. True love hurts. Don’t resist that truth. If loving your partner hurts, it’s God moulding you into His image. The more we love in the biblical sense of the word is the more like Christ we become. There is nothing more God wants for us, than for us to become more and more like Christ.
Balance is Key
Unwavering commitment is no joke. I am fully aware of the risk I am telling you to take with your life by being committed to your person no matter what. I’m almost telling you to have no boundaries or deal-breakers. But that’s not the case, unwavering commitment can only stand in healthy relationship situations. Relationships where both people are open to correction, compromise, reconciliation and empathy. Unwavering commitment is the element that is added on the basis that a couple of fundamental things are already present. These are unconditional love, friendship, intimacy, common direction and a common dedication to biblical principles (Jesus). Once these elements are evident in the relationship it is now safe to wrap it all up in unwavering commitment.
An imbalance in commitment will lead to the notorious power struggle. This is where one partner senses that the other partner isn’t as committed as they are, so they try to one-up them by pretending that they don’t care. They do this to get a certain response from their partner which will give them the sense that they are in the driver’s seat of the relationship. However, this may motivate the other partner to do the same thing in order to evoke a response as well. It’s called “playing games”. This usually hinders the trust-building process which in turn kills intimacy.
For the other 4 foundational ingredients, it is ideal for the couple to be on the same page. However, for unwavering commitment. it is absolutely necessary. Divorce, separation or break up should never be mentioned by either partner. Once it is mentioned by someone, especially as a power move, it puts the other person in defence mode. The relationship will now exist in an aura of tension. And the person who wants the relationship more will be put at a disadvantage that they are aware of. They will try to please their partner in order to keep the relationship while at the same time, they will be losing themselves bit by bit. They will grow gradually unhappy in the relationship and their commitment will weaken.
Conflict Resolution
Unwavering commitment… whew… those words make me sweat. Because I am very aware of how easy it is to make a commitment while things are going well, and how impossible it feels when you and your partner are in the pit of relational hell with each other. When you both feel misunderstood, unheard, disrespected, abused, undesired and emotionally distant. When both of you are too prideful to say “I’m sorry let me put your desire or perspective first for a change”. When one or both of you refuses to talk things through because you retreat within yourself in an effort to avoid conflict. Unwavering commitment in those moments seems so irrational. It feels as if we are settling for an unfulfilling relationship when we know we could possibly do better with someone else.
As I write this, I reflect on how I quit my marriage. How much of a hypocrite I am to tell you to commit no matter what. But believe me when I say when I got married the first time, I really meant every word I said. I had full intentions of sticking through thick and thin with my ex-wife. But you see I didn’t know then what I know now. Most of the lessons I write about now are things I learned from being married to my ex-wife. I can track the progression of our relationship from heaven to hell. I know now what to avoid at all costs when it comes to conflict resolution.
Conflict resolution is of paramount importance if you want to remain committed through all seasons of your relationship. During arguments temperatures are high and both people are likely to say very hurtful things in an effort to “win”. But hear me well, when you win an argument in your relationship, your relationship loses. Each time your relationship loses commitment weakens. The Unwavering begins to waver. There are a couple of principles I would like you to follow to make conflict resolution easier for you and your partner.
1. Us or we over I or me
2. Avoid name-calling,
3. Avoid absolute statements.
4. Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.
5. Forgive quickly.
6. Do not repeatedly bring up past offences
None of this comes naturally to most of us and so it will take intentionality and practice. We were never taught in school or by our parents how to do healthy relationships. So, we are all out here winging it. But let me use 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 to break down each of the principles for you.
Us or We OVER I or Me
Love is not self-seeking. Once we enter a relationship a fundamental shift needs to happen in our minds. My focus on what is best for “me” needs to shift to what is best for “us”. Once that happens it will come through in our language. Our language will include our partner, this will help to quiet their anxieties surrounding us leaving them at some point.
Avoid Name Calling
Love does not dishonour others. Arguments are common to all relationships. The relationship that stands the test of time endures arguments. However, the difference might be that both people involved maintained respect for each other. They possibly attacked the issue at hand as opposed to attacking each other.
Avoid Absolute Statements!
Love does not bear false witness against a neighbour and holds no records of wrong. When feeling upset about a particular thing your partner has done, the temptation is to use the words “always” or “never”. “You are always late”, “You never consider me”, “You are always on the phone with your friends, you never make time for us”. These statements are not true. They tend to make your partner feel defeated and as if their efforts in the given area of behaviour have gone unnoticed. This may just make matters worse. Instead, use words that include their previous efforts like “sometimes” “mostly” “every now and then”. Not only is your complaint easier to receive, but they also feel like addressing the issue is actually possible.
Seek to understand before you seek to be Understood!
Love is not self-seeking. In relationships both people wish to feel heard, seen and understood. During arguments, both people are often seeking these things at the same time. An accusation of selfishness just makes things worse. Because my wanting to be understood first is just as selfish as the other person wanting the same thing. I should lay myself aside and try to listen to what my partner is saying. If you are bringing a grievance to your partner, ask probing questions before you fire off your accusations. Address the why before you address the what. This will help them keep their guard down and you can get more honest responses. Once they feel understood you may find they are now more willing to help you feel the same way.
Forgive Quickly
Love keeps no records of wrongs. Nothing is more devastating to a relationship than unforgiven offences. Resentment is the presence of an offence that is still lingering long after it has occurred. It affects our interactions or the lack thereof with our partner. Offences, especially for those of us who are easily offendable come in rapid succession. They will pile up on each other if they are not addressed and forgiven quickly. If resentment overtakes your heart. The relationship will no longer be a warm and welcoming place for your partner to come and stay. We must get past our offences quickly. If you are a person who believes that forgiveness must be a long process. I recommend you redefine and rearrange your process, or you may just find yourself bouncing from relationship to relationship on a quest to find who will offend you the least.
Do not repeatedly bring up Past Offenses
Love is not proud, and it keeps no records of wrongs. If your partner has apologised for an offence and is now making an effort to avoid making the mistake again. Do not bring it to a current argument. It will seem to them that you are keeping score and stacking offences. People who do this are usually seeking to “win”. They are trying to prove to their partner that they really are a horrible person and that they don’t deserve grace and forgiveness. This act is an offence in and of itself. It will leave the impression on your partner that they cannot afford to make any more mistakes going forward. Fear of your wrath will influence their behaviour. The Bible says there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear. Each person in the relationship should be improving from offence to offence but at the same time, each person should be free to mess up without fear of abandonment.
Closing Remarks
Every healthy relationship goes through the same cycle repeatedly. Good times – miscommunication & misunderstanding – conflict – conflict resolution – reconciliation – good times again. Many relationships fail because couples get stuck in conflict. They don’t get to resolution and reconciliation. If they don’t get to those then they cannot get back to good times. Often, people will try to sweep the conflict under the rug in an effort to jump back to the good times. But trying to jump back to the good times may leave your partner feeling unheard and misunderstood which kills intimacy. The good times were good because intimacy was present. The conflict needs to be resolved first. This may take some time and effort, or it may happen quickly especially if that is what both people want more than they want to “win” the argument. If you would like to see me speak on this topic click the video below.
Long drawn-out conflict usually happens when one or both people refuse to forgive or believe that they are right, and the other person is wrong. The mindset that focuses on winning the argument is not one that is geared toward conflict resolution. I hope this article was helpful and enlightening. In my next article, you can anticipate more on conflict resolution, reconciliation and unwavering commitment. This is THE WORST RELATIONSHIP ADVICE EVER. You definitely should not take what I say to heart unless it makes sense to you in some weird way.
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