Have you ever heard the saying, “Show me your friends, and I’ll tell you who you are”? Sounds a bit proud, but if someone has ever said that to you it’s because they know how impactful friendship is on the shaping of our beliefs, views, preferences, attitudes, habits and nuances. The way we dress, speak, think and behave is often influenced by our friends. But who is a friend? What is the true meaning of friendship? Why is friendship foundational to a healthy, happy and long-lasting relationship? I’ll be answering these questions and more in this article.
Some of the happiest couples I have observed have this one thing in common. They all say, “I married my best friend”. When you watch wedding videos, and you see the man or woman break down in tears. It’s because they know what they went through to get to this point. They are happy for the friendship that they fostered while getting to this point. Now, they look forward with anticipation of the future beauty their friendship will produce.
My Story: Coming full circle
During my teen years, I believed it was necessary to build friendships with whichever girl I was interested in. So, that’s what I did. I befriended girls; however, these friendships didn’t usually progress past friendship as I had hoped. I was the King, Prime Minister and Chief of the friend zone. I would often get frustrated at how these girls would complain to me about their boyfriends but never give me the chance to love them better.
Because of this I decided to change my approach and became more direct with my intentions, while still maintaining a level of respect. This worked better for getting me to boyfriend status faster. However, when it came on to navigating the relationship day to day. Outside of the mutual sexual attraction and the belief that Jesus is Lord. There were not many strong commonalities between me and a girlfriend, because friendship building was not a thing that was done intentionally. Quite frankly at the time I didn’t think it mattered that much so long as we desired to be with each other.
Then I married someone who was not my friend, someone who didn’t even desire to be my friend. She wanted me to be her husband and nothing more. I observed in my marriage a huge void, and I could not fill it without the cooperation of my ex-wife. But if we could never get on the same page regarding relationship basics then the hopes of building a friendship after getting married was next to zero. Another reason I threw in the towel. We got off to a bad start and it never really got better.
So now, I have come full circle. I have returned to my original belief of why it is important to have friendship as part of the foundation. But my belief has been tweaked and now it’s a mixture of the two approaches. I believe we should be clear and direct with our romantic intentions toward another person. But I also believe that a friendship should be fostered before romance becomes a part of the relationship equation. Once we have identified the traits of another person that would make them a good friend to have, then we can add romance to the equation. To do this, we need to know the key indicators to look out for.
Characteristics of a Friend
In my second article, I introduced the 5 basic ingredients for building a firm relational foundation. I mentioned 6 characteristics that I now use to qualify a person as a “friend”, as opposed to a classmate, co-worker or acquaintance. Here are the characteristics again just to jog your memory.
1) A person you can share your innermost thoughts with without the fear of judgement and rejection.
2) A person you can lean on when you aren’t at your strongest or when you are going through a hard time.
3) A person who naturally shares common interests with you.
4) A person who supports your endeavours both tangibly and emotionally
5) A person who fights for you and honours you.
6) The person you do all the above for in return.
Let me break them down for you:
#1. A friend is a person you can be vulnerable with, without the fear of harsh judgement and rejection. Now the key word to note here is “fear”, so it’s not that your friend won’t criticize you at all. It’s not that they won’t call you out on your foolishness. Remember the Bible does say “love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth”. So, your friend should and will hold you accountable.
This may feel like judgement or an attack, but really, they are just seeking to lovingly steer you correctly. If your friend only responds to everything you say positively, then they are not good for your personal development. At the same time if there is no empathy in any of their responses to your plights. This means they see you as wrong most of the time and possibly harbours hatred, annoyance or bitterness in their heart toward you.
A true friend can feel what you feel and see things from your perspective, even while holding their own. If their own understanding differs, they will explain that to you without belittling you or casting you aside. Essentially a true friend will not deliberately make you feel stupid on an emotional level, and you can have faith in that.
#2. A friend is a person you can lean on. In life, disappointments are hitting us from all angles daily. From time to time, we can become overwhelmed and feel the need to vent to someone or take a break while our friend carries on the fight. We are not strong 100% of the time, so having a person we can lean on when we need a mental or emotional break is an important aspect of friendship.
#3. A person who shares your interests. Your likes and dislikes may not all match with your friends but you both need to see eye to eye regarding the ideas and concepts that are near and dear to your hearts. Discrepancies, where core beliefs, values and interests are concerned, will result in multiple tug-of-war battles. As each of you is trying to sway the other person toward believing what you believe or feeling what you feel. Everyone wants to be loved for who they are. Fighting tooth and nail to sway someone into your way of feeling and thinking is selfish and manipulative. You either pair up with someone who holds your core beliefs, or you choose to compromise and be okay with loving someone who believes and feels differently.
#4. A friend supports your endeavours. Whether that be to cheer for you at your tennis match or be your first customer when you start your business, or shares your articles on their social media platforms. A friend is there to support you in a real and tangibly helpful way.
They may also support you emotionally by checking in with you to find out how are things going with your project. They may give words of affirmation to let you know that they believe in your capabilities and are looking forward to the finished product. This is so important for the accomplishment of our goals because we often start to doubt ourselves. We often start to think no one will care or notice our efforts and that can be demotivating. A supportive friend is essential for people who don’t have the mental strength to keep going despite obstacles and opposition.
#5 A person who fights for you and honours you. Listen, offence is inevitable and dual. To live this friendship trait, you must accept this truth. If you do not accept this truth, then you will be prone to complaining behind your friend’s back to other people. When we bring our grievances with our friend to other friends with the aim of gaining emotional relief. We dishonour our friend and create a negative perception in the mind of the person we complain to.
Now, this is a natural way in which we operate, especially when emotionally charged. Maturity will have us reflecting on ourselves and analysing what we have contributed to our offence (our mindset). It will also allow us to acknowledge what our friend has done to make amends for the offence or what positive things our friend has done prior to the offence in question. So that even if we do complain to people about the negative experiences we have with our friend, we can balance the scale with positive statements about them and acknowledge the role we play in our own pain.
The more we balance the scales the more we fight for our friend and honour them. A mistake both myself and my ex-wife made was that we complained about each other to other people. We both did not accept responsibility for our contribution to each offence and so felt like victims in our situation. This led to a degradation of honour in our relationship. We were not fighting for each other but against. It wasn’t us against the world, rather it was me vs. her. No matter the offence, (with certain exemptions of course) always give your friend the benefit of the doubt and accept responsibility for your part in the offence. This equips you to be a defender of your friend and this is essential for your romantic relationship.
#6. Is all about reciprocation. No healthy friendship is one-sided. Everything you expect from your friend, you also need to give to your friend. All the positive energy that is given to you should return to your friend. This is primarily how we show appreciation and encourage the continuation of the friendship.
Now, a human tendency we need to consciously avoid is giving to receive. If we give in order to receive, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. Ensure your motive always is to give for the other person's benefit regardless of the perceived reward you may be granted. Don’t even expect a thank you! Motive is often the difference between a loving action being selfless or selfish. Now this is hard. As I said in the articles about unconditional love. It sets us up to be taken advantage of. However, if our partner wants the relationship to be healthy for all involved, they won’t intentionally and repeatedly abuse our vulnerability. If they do with no remorse, that is grounds upon which to separate.
Closing Remarks
Friendship is the essential foundational ingredient that has nothing to do with romanticism, sex or what another person is supposed to do because he/she is my spouse. Friendship levels the playing field and makes gender lines invisible. This, therefore, ensures that each person’s emotional needs receive equal priority.
Without friendship, the “happy wife happy life” mindset may prevail in the relationship where the wife’s emotional need takes precedence. Arguments surrounding who should do what to earn love or respect because the Bible said so may also be common. Between friends who love each other unconditionally, there will be no fighting over what we believe we should get from the other person. Just acceptance and peace. If you would like to see me speak on this topic click the video link below and watch my podcast.
I hope this article was helpful to you. Now you may have a clearer pathway toward identifying the people in your life who are real friends. Seek to marry your best friend. If you are already married focus energy and attention on fostering friendship between you and your spouse. My next article will focus on unwavering commitment as another foundational requirement for building a relationship that won’t be easily toppled. This is THE WORST RELATIONSHIP ADVICE EVER. You definitely should not take what I say to heart, unless it makes sense to you in some weird way.
Blessings to you and your family.
Darren O. Salmon
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