Heart Matters: Being the 'Bigger Person'

Have you ever been in a tiff with someone? Ever felt offended or have offended? How about conflicting with a fellow sister or brother in Christendom? Congratulations - you are human.

In this 'Heart Matters' series we will explore some situations that we don’t really hear much about in the church. We are so focused on the spiritual aspects of Christendom sometimes that we often forget the human side, and how more times than often they coincide and affect our daily lives.

Today let’s look at an aspect that might have you questioning somethings by the time you get to the end of this article.

We all have had arguments, disagreements and squabbles that have caused conflict and separation in our lives and relationships whether platonic or romantic. These result in the standardized period of ‘vexation’ and separation awaiting the reconciliation- once things cool down. One thing that comes up very often is the notion of ‘being the bigger person.’

I know this is something that you have heard and might have even used when facing your oppressor or those you conflict with. It’s a badge of honour to be the bigger person. You show your oppressors that you are better than they are. You can smile and greet them despite what went down. You can be in the same space and look seemingly happy as if nothing happened. This is a healthy way to heal right? Not really.

When we hear this phrase its often to a means of being the ‘better person’, being the one to initiate reconciliation or being the person to show kindness in unkind situations in an effort to be ‘Christ-like’ or ‘good hearted.’ But is portraying to be the ‘better person’ really ‘Christ-like?

If we think about it, during periods of hurt, you pretending to be ‘OK’ so others are comfortable is in itself abusive to your own self. Forcing yourself to smile in the face of your oppressors so ‘they see that they did not hurt you’ is intentionally lying to yourself and aids in your healing in no way whatsoever. Why can’t we hold others accountable for what they did? If it’s all in the name of Christendom, we have been taught wrong.

If you are going through your period of hurt, it is not recommended to pretend that you are Ok. Specially to make others feel better about themselves. Your healing is not about anybody else and your focus should solely be on getting better (for real).

Being the ‘bigger person’ potentially robs many of an opportunity to deal with their issues and face their problems head on. We have cultivated pretentious Christians who swallow their feelings to be shown in a light that is not real. You don’t have to intentionally be in the same space as an offender, you don’t have to smile in anyone’s face to prove a point, you don’t have to show up and pretend everything is ok to show that you are better.

Being better is dealing with your issues, even if it’s in private and no one can see the processing you are going through.

Being better is being accountable to your healing and ensuring that you don’t bleed on anyone by prematurely going out into the world again and being in the presence of those who hurt you so you can prove a point.

Many try to be the ‘better person’ because of pride, a need to rub it in an offender’s face that they did not faze them (even thought deep inside they know it did). Deal with your issues and become better FOR YOU. Not for comparison but for your own well being and wholeness. Those who know better do better.

Take the time you need to heal, work the strategies that best aid in your healing, allow the Holy Spirit to work in you from a place of humility, transparency and submission. When the time comes to come face to face with those from your past and even those that hurt you, you are able to be happy-for real, and grow from what happened instead of pretending to because the work has been done, not to show them, but for you. You are the better person for taking the time out to be better.

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